In my heart and on my mind
by Lilya
Summary: Locked up in a hotel room, Sasuke muses… and his thoughts are hunted by the memory of blue eyes.


Title: In my heart and on my mind

Author: Lilya

Genre: Angst

Summary: Locked up in a hotel room, Sasuke muses… and his thoughts are hunted by the memory of blue eyes.

Main Characters: Naruto Uzumaki, Sasuke Uchiha.

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: all the characters belong to Kishimoto Masashi. The flashback – in _italic_ – truly belongs to Giovannino Guareschi and the movie "Don Camillo e l'onorevole Peppone." I humbly beg his forgiveness, but I've been dieing to use the last line – it's too beautiful! I also think that it suits perfectly those two pig-headed shinobi…

* * *

**IN MY HEART AND ON MY MIND  
**

From this window I can see a street bustling with busy villagers, every one of them with his tasks, his goals and his dreams, everyone lost in his own business. I can't make out their faces from here – not that it would make any difference, anyway. They're only strangers. Common people of a village that, to me, has no name and no geographical collocation. Orochimaru and Kabuto are very careful not to let me know where we are or where we're headed.

As if I would care. They could take me into a volcano for all I care, as long as they give me power. Nothing else matters.

I wish I could train, but, as they usually do when they must go somewhere and do not want to take me with them, they left me locked up in this hotel room. Sometimes it's annoying: we all know perfectly well that I would never go anywhere.

So, instead of training, here I am, looking out of this window. All these people coming and going without a purpose. Their voices are only a confused and senseless buzzing.

I don't know why, but this reminds me of… Konoha.

I should not think about it, it's useless. That's not my village anymore, it doesn't mean anything anymore to me. Even if I decided to leave Orochimaru, I couldn't go back: after all, betraying it was my choice and mine alone. I still think I made the right choice: there was nothing it could offer me. Who cares about the dull pain I feel in my chest every time I find myself standing in front of the gate of another nameless village, every time I walk down unfamiliar streets. It's not homesickness. It's just my imagination. It will fade with time.

Enough, I must not think about the Village of the Leaf, or else… damn. I knew it. Every time I think about Konoha, I can see my companions. Kakashi-sensei, Sakura… and then, naturally, there's him. Naruto.

Damn it, as if I didn't think about him more than enough!

Why I can't get that dobe out of my head, why?! He should be the last thing on my mind, I should only think about my revenge, about gaining power and instead… instead, as much as I try to be careful, that cursed thought always manages to slip through my barriers and suddenly explodes right in front of my. It's worse than one of Gaara's blows.

I should not allow it. Nothing and no one must be allowed to distract me.

Yet… every single day I remember those eyes. His eyes. The last time I saw him, when we fought on the river that marks the border of our country.

It's almost an obsession. I can't forget them, I can't forget the look inside of them. I can't forget the emotions I saw floating in those blue eyes, that once always sparkled with joy. Whatever reason that dobe had to be happy, I swear I never understood it.

Or maybe he didn't need a true reason. Maybe it was only joie de vivre.

That's weird. As much as I try, I can't remember that look. I close my eyes and try to concentrate, yet all I see in front of me are the eyes that haunt me. His eyes the day of our fight. Night and day I see them before me, it's as if the memory of his gaze was burned into my brain and now won't be erased. In spite of all the things I do, of all the things I learn, I can't forget them. I thought that, given some time, their image would have slowly disappeared, but it does not happen, they are always there.

I don't need to concentrate to remember that look. I don't need to wonder about the emotions I could read into them – damn those clear eyes and how easily they could be read!

Truth to be told, if I wanted to be completely honest, I should curse myself. After all, I killed their light. Anger, regret, pain for the cruel betrayal… I put them there.

Maybe it's only right that I am to be haunted by them.

But to achieve our purposes, sometimes we are forced to dispatch also the things we like.

Ouch. Bad choice of words. It sounds like I killed that dobe. But Naruto is not dead… is he?

No kidding… come on, he can't be dead!

But what if he was? What if…what if I killed him? I gained the special Sharigan, how could it be possible if he was still alive? Oh gods of heaven…no. It can't be.

Naruto…

No…it's impossible, it can't be true, he can't be dead!

Calm down. I gotta chill out. Damn it, I'm shaking! Calm down. _**Think**_.

My Sharigan activated while I was still fighting against him. And when I left, he was still breathing. Yes, yes, he was breathing, I'm sure. He was still alive. Badly beaten, but _**alive**_. Undeniably alive.

What a fool I am to worry so… surely, they have sent a squad on our trail. They must have found him and carried him to the hospital, by now he would have had the time to heal not once, but thrice.

But… wait a moment… though we finally have the Fifth Hokage, our village hasn't returned to its full strength yet. The fact that they sent Naruto and the others to track us clearly states that had no shinobi to spare. So maybe they couldn't send somebody to look for them! And even though they did, maybe… maybe they did not get there in time!

If things turned out this way…if Naruto was dead, then it would be my fault. I did not deliver the final blow, but it's just the same, it's as if I killed him personally. What am I saying, I _**did**_ kill him.

I am a murderer. Just like Itachi.

And as much as I hate it, maybe in the end he was right. In the end, I lost.

Is it really so important for you? Naruto yelled, furious. Are you really ready to lose everything? Sasuke couldn't understand where the Hell he could find the voice to shout when, after the last blow they had exchanged, he couldn't even stand up. The golden-haired boy's eyes were two blue fires, a thousand emotions floating into them.

_"I've got nothing to lose!" the Uchiha heir growled. _

_"Really?" Naruto replied. "You lost Sakura, who has always loved you. You lost your village, where you had a home, your roots…where you were somebody! And for what, then? To become a tool, a guinea pig…one among many others!" The pain was excruciating, but Naruto kept on speaking, trying to resist to the alluring darkness. "But the worst thing is that in the end you let your crazy brother win! You lost your life for him!" _

_"SHUT UP!!" Sasuke shouted, kicking him. _

_Naruto didn't even try to stop him, he was too weak. The blow landed on his ribs, making him cough up blood. But even then, he did not close his eyes. _

_"I'm not leaving because I've lost!" Sasuke shouted angrily. "I'm leaving to win!"_

_"Win…" Naruto repeated, staring at his long-time rival in the eyes. "Yeah, right! But when you'll find yourself far away, lost in places you don't know, among strangers… you'll think about all the things you left in the village. About the view you used to see outside your window when you got up in the morning. You'll think about the missions we accomplished together, about our fights and the bridge where we met every day. And when you'll be standing in line with all the other puppets of that scum, when nobody gives a damn about you or knows who you are… then you'll think about Kakashi-sensei and Sakura, who never saw anybody else but you. And you'll also think about __**ME**__, since I won't be there to smack you on the head every time you deserve it – which lately means at least once a day!!"  
_

_Sasuke gritted his teeth, unconsciously falling into one of their "rivals' promises/threats": "When I come back…"_

_"YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT COMING BACK!!" Naruto shouted, his voice full of anger and pain."And I can't even tell you "goodbye, Sasuke"… but only…farewell…Uchiha." _

_That was the last straw: exhausted, Naruto fell down, losing his consciousness. Sasuke stood still by his side for a moment. His lips were parted, but he couldn't find anything to say. Then he shut his mouth with a sharp click and slowly unclenched his right fist. His Leaf headband fell in the dust with a soft clang that was immediately swallowed by the roaring of the waterfall. _

I walked away without turning back.

And now I can only pray that I could see him again. Even if only to receive his insults – I deserve all of them, from the first to the last.

It's almost ironic. I tried to kill him and now I can't stand the mere thought that the dobe might be dead because of our fight.

But there's a big difference between dieing on the battlefield and agonizing for hours. Feeling your life slip away little by little, unable to stop it, with nothing to hold on to but the hope for help that never comes…I couldn't stand it. I could never do such a thing, not even to Itachi.

Oh God, if you do exist, please, take care that _**he**_ didn't have to suffer it because of me.

Take care he did not die, that I did not kill him.

I know, I know I wanted to – that's what I'm capable of to get what I want! – and yet… when the Sharigan changed during our fight, I did not feel only joy for having finally obtained the skill that will allow me to beat my brother. I was also greatly relieved because I did not have to kill Naruto. He's my rival, but he's not my enemy – even though during the fight, just for a moment, I did think it. But it's not so. Whatever may happen, to me he'll never be an enemy. Even if that's what I am to him and to the whole village of the Leaf.

In the end, he was right. But now it's too late to go back: I sold my soul to the devil and I can't get it back. I'll have the power I longed for. I must consider the rest – all the things I've lost and the ache in my chest – as the just price to pay. Maybe it will make things easier. Part of me will never regret my choice, not completely. But the other will never stop aching. And so it must be. May this pain never leave me, may it keep on burning in my chest for the rest of my life.

* * *

Sasuke: Where's the Authoress? Weren't we meant to play a silly parting scene after this sea of tears?

Naruto: Ehm… She locked herself in her room and is currently busy crying her eyes out.

Sasuke: What?! Why?

Naruto: She still can't believe that her first Naruto fiction was written about you and in your POV.

Sasuke: (growls)

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